more about adjustments

people have been asking about my new aspella, and why i haven't uploaded the pics after renovation is done.

the truth is, there's no way of taking a pic without showing how my blue room has been turned into a storage area, cluttered with boxes packed with knick knacks from our previous life.

goose and i have decided to take it easy on furnishing the house. we have this shared sentiment about spending within our means, and that credit cards are for emergencies and absolute essentials only. of course, this means the house is only sparsely furnished, but that's fine with us.

we've been getting our furnitures from IMM, picket & rail and barang-barang. my bedroom's the only place that is fully furnished. and before eid, insyaallah we'll have shelving for our household shelter so that the blue room can go back to being a bedroom.

looking back, the only think we splurged on is our 42" full hd lcd tv from harvey norman. goosey's idea, of course. oh well, it could've been the 50" one..but thank God i got there in time to stop him.

i am enjoying my house. goosey's calling me his weekend housewife. am still adjusting to all of this.

time really flies.

and my best buddies are celebrating their babies' first year already. imagine that. my friends, mommies, all of them.

i still have no idea if i am ready to be a mommy so soon.

and the sun was till up there..

a bit more than 100 days into this new life, for the first time ever, i was home before 7pm on a work day!

6.30pm on tuesday, and 6pm..6pm!!..on wednesday and thursday.

those days were so precious to me, coming home on my own and seeing the school children just leaving their schools, and more than an hour before the sun set.

i had time to do the dishes, take in the dry clothes before it got cold, do grocery shopping, put my aspella into order and cook dinner.

now i'm back at work. i've been thinking how unhealthy it is to reach home when it's all dark outside and having so little time to make a home.

and i owe the 3 blissful days to my superiors of course, who sent/ agreed to send me for training that ends at 5pm. very good sessions i had, and i tried to be a very good sponge, learning techniques in couple counselling. at least i am now better prepared for the intensive caseworks that will surely come my way. never mind that the training adds to my anxiety about my own relationship =P

have i mentioned that i cooked dinner? and the last time i checked, pigs still can't fly =D

what i miss most

oooooh...i'm missing lots and lots.

not that i'm not happy with what i have now. guess i'm coping, but it's all weirdly interesting.

61 days after, there has been aspella, phuket, ps2, psp slim & penang.

and a personal chef.

not too bad huh.

there are the down moments too. but haven't there always been down moments in life? i'm coping. or at least, trying to. ain't easy, i tell you.

unmet expectations. oh, what frustrations they bring.

i'll get by, God willing.

but weirdly interesting life aside, i am sooooo missing a lot. i'm missing nights under the sky, with the full moon beaming down smiles, and stars adorning the vast, dark canvas. i'm missing the lights, twinkling as my lone, long walk takes the rhythm that is beating in my ears.

i miss white snakes, and the company i usually have as i sit there dreaming. i walked pass the place earlier today, after i settled some work stuff. and i couldn't help wishing that time could rewind.

and i miss my family =(

*sigh*

adjustment is tough.

it would feel very nice to have a bit of my old life back.

just some dedication

this entry is especially written for the tired and sleepy, yet talented (or so he said) husband who stayed up and tried his very best to be a henna artist, just because his vain wife wants to feel bride-y when she went to work after more than a week long leave.

the new world needs time to get used to. and she's trying in the way she knows how.

where it's warm

it's happening, finally. this has naver been in my plan. i didn't grow up consciously planning the year in which i would settle down, and by what age.

this is still hard for me to believe. it is a giant step, one that i am not even sure i am prepared for.

and it's goosey. a lifetime ago, i would have jumped up and down, saying yes yes yes. i'm more subdued now, going through this with solemn acceptance.

there is the excitement, yes. and the happiness. but there is also the fear. "a cracked window", the good lady said.

and the sadness. oh, the sadness. i am conflicted.

it's not only about starting a new life, it's about leaving the old, safe one. and that, i am not ready for. mader won't always be around for me to run to help put things right. bapak won't always be around to keep me safe.

and my nights would be without totot to hug n cuddle. and no amad to bug. no burger to irritate. and no mamad to be disgusted at (he can be very disgusting with his farts and burps).

i am leaving the nest. my safe haven. for the uncharted waters.

and i am scared.

God give me strength. God keep me safe. God make me brave.

stop looking at me

almost a month into this new world. in the third week, there was this endless dinner session with the ceo. she talked about plans, and visions, and ambitions. all good stuff.

and if i can't say for sure what my long term plans are, it is because i am still not fully settled yet. i am still trying to find my footing, find that rhythm that is totally my own.

i am gonna find my own branding. one day soon.

clueless i may be a lot of time, but the path to the target is much less cluttered and obscured here. how lucky i am to be INSPIRED.

i am still pacing myself. i wouldn't want to suffer from burn out too soon. and that is so hard to do. just when i am succeeding in that, i'd suddenly realise how lacking i am, how others are more advanced, and advantaged, than me due to their training in school. i wasn't schooled in that. sociology was a macro thing. it takes a while to reorientate my brain to go micro.

therefore, there's a lot of catching up to do. lots of reading and intensive clinical supervision. i need to work on the theoretical paradigm.

feeling lacking isn't good for the ego. but at least for this, i have a plan.

for the other thing, i don't =(

i am bothered, but i am scared that once it changes, the change will be uncontrollable.

so stop looking at me =|

into the ocean

i am feeling lost and displaced.

i do try. and i'm still trying.

"i think i'm moving but i go nowhere"?

maybe someday i'll find that place.