what i miss most

oooooh...i'm missing lots and lots.

not that i'm not happy with what i have now. guess i'm coping, but it's all weirdly interesting.

61 days after, there has been aspella, phuket, ps2, psp slim & penang.

and a personal chef.

not too bad huh.

there are the down moments too. but haven't there always been down moments in life? i'm coping. or at least, trying to. ain't easy, i tell you.

unmet expectations. oh, what frustrations they bring.

i'll get by, God willing.

but weirdly interesting life aside, i am sooooo missing a lot. i'm missing nights under the sky, with the full moon beaming down smiles, and stars adorning the vast, dark canvas. i'm missing the lights, twinkling as my lone, long walk takes the rhythm that is beating in my ears.

i miss white snakes, and the company i usually have as i sit there dreaming. i walked pass the place earlier today, after i settled some work stuff. and i couldn't help wishing that time could rewind.

and i miss my family =(

*sigh*

adjustment is tough.

it would feel very nice to have a bit of my old life back.

just some dedication

this entry is especially written for the tired and sleepy, yet talented (or so he said) husband who stayed up and tried his very best to be a henna artist, just because his vain wife wants to feel bride-y when she went to work after more than a week long leave.

the new world needs time to get used to. and she's trying in the way she knows how.

where it's warm

it's happening, finally. this has naver been in my plan. i didn't grow up consciously planning the year in which i would settle down, and by what age.

this is still hard for me to believe. it is a giant step, one that i am not even sure i am prepared for.

and it's goosey. a lifetime ago, i would have jumped up and down, saying yes yes yes. i'm more subdued now, going through this with solemn acceptance.

there is the excitement, yes. and the happiness. but there is also the fear. "a cracked window", the good lady said.

and the sadness. oh, the sadness. i am conflicted.

it's not only about starting a new life, it's about leaving the old, safe one. and that, i am not ready for. mader won't always be around for me to run to help put things right. bapak won't always be around to keep me safe.

and my nights would be without totot to hug n cuddle. and no amad to bug. no burger to irritate. and no mamad to be disgusted at (he can be very disgusting with his farts and burps).

i am leaving the nest. my safe haven. for the uncharted waters.

and i am scared.

God give me strength. God keep me safe. God make me brave.

stop looking at me

almost a month into this new world. in the third week, there was this endless dinner session with the ceo. she talked about plans, and visions, and ambitions. all good stuff.

and if i can't say for sure what my long term plans are, it is because i am still not fully settled yet. i am still trying to find my footing, find that rhythm that is totally my own.

i am gonna find my own branding. one day soon.

clueless i may be a lot of time, but the path to the target is much less cluttered and obscured here. how lucky i am to be INSPIRED.

i am still pacing myself. i wouldn't want to suffer from burn out too soon. and that is so hard to do. just when i am succeeding in that, i'd suddenly realise how lacking i am, how others are more advanced, and advantaged, than me due to their training in school. i wasn't schooled in that. sociology was a macro thing. it takes a while to reorientate my brain to go micro.

therefore, there's a lot of catching up to do. lots of reading and intensive clinical supervision. i need to work on the theoretical paradigm.

feeling lacking isn't good for the ego. but at least for this, i have a plan.

for the other thing, i don't =(

i am bothered, but i am scared that once it changes, the change will be uncontrollable.

so stop looking at me =|

into the ocean

i am feeling lost and displaced.

i do try. and i'm still trying.

"i think i'm moving but i go nowhere"?

maybe someday i'll find that place.

next leg

this week has been an interesting journey so far.

my new workplace is so informal..yet formal. people clown around, tease mercilessly and crack irreverent jokes..yet they abide by the structure that has been set. i am not saying that it's bad. it just feels different. this is something i have not been exposed to. professionalism. or maybe it is just me going along with the popular, negative perception towards malay muslim organisations.

i am proud of my colleagues. and i am proud to be on their team.

i haven't been doing much. just observing, mostly. and learning. for the next few months, i'll be a sponge. so call me spongebabe.

and i'm taking it slow. it isn't easy, cos i tend to let something new and novel get the better of me. and i'll suffer from a burn out fairly easily then.

so, the plan is to go slow, and take one day at a time.

no matter how worried i am. and god knows the depth of my anxiety. this uncertainty. this displacement. i am nobody's child.

*sigh*

almost monday..

..and i'm getting nervous.

i wish to learn. and i hope i will be good. or at least not suck too badly.

i met bro jay yesterday. a very nice guy. a good reminder he gave, about dakwah and prioritising. and he saw how i worked, and suggested in a very brotherly fashion, on how i could be better.

but on the whole, i'm having enjoyable days.

pray that they last.