April 26, 2008

where it's warm

it's happening, finally. this has naver been in my plan. i didn't grow up consciously planning the year in which i would settle down, and by what age.

this is still hard for me to believe. it is a giant step, one that i am not even sure i am prepared for.

and it's goosey. a lifetime ago, i would have jumped up and down, saying yes yes yes. i'm more subdued now, going through this with solemn acceptance.

there is the excitement, yes. and the happiness. but there is also the fear. "a cracked window", the good lady said.

and the sadness. oh, the sadness. i am conflicted.

it's not only about starting a new life, it's about leaving the old, safe one. and that, i am not ready for. mader won't always be around for me to run to help put things right. bapak won't always be around to keep me safe.

and my nights would be without totot to hug n cuddle. and no amad to bug. no burger to irritate. and no mamad to be disgusted at (he can be very disgusting with his farts and burps).

i am leaving the nest. my safe haven. for the uncharted waters.

and i am scared.

God give me strength. God keep me safe. God make me brave.