March 30, 2008

stop looking at me

almost a month into this new world. in the third week, there was this endless dinner session with the ceo. she talked about plans, and visions, and ambitions. all good stuff.

and if i can't say for sure what my long term plans are, it is because i am still not fully settled yet. i am still trying to find my footing, find that rhythm that is totally my own.

i am gonna find my own branding. one day soon.

clueless i may be a lot of time, but the path to the target is much less cluttered and obscured here. how lucky i am to be INSPIRED.

i am still pacing myself. i wouldn't want to suffer from burn out too soon. and that is so hard to do. just when i am succeeding in that, i'd suddenly realise how lacking i am, how others are more advanced, and advantaged, than me due to their training in school. i wasn't schooled in that. sociology was a macro thing. it takes a while to reorientate my brain to go micro.

therefore, there's a lot of catching up to do. lots of reading and intensive clinical supervision. i need to work on the theoretical paradigm.

feeling lacking isn't good for the ego. but at least for this, i have a plan.

for the other thing, i don't =(

i am bothered, but i am scared that once it changes, the change will be uncontrollable.

so stop looking at me =|

March 10, 2008

into the ocean

i am feeling lost and displaced.

i do try. and i'm still trying.

"i think i'm moving but i go nowhere"?

maybe someday i'll find that place.

March 8, 2008

next leg

this week has been an interesting journey so far.

my new workplace is so informal..yet formal. people clown around, tease mercilessly and crack irreverent jokes..yet they abide by the structure that has been set. i am not saying that it's bad. it just feels different. this is something i have not been exposed to. professionalism. or maybe it is just me going along with the popular, negative perception towards malay muslim organisations.

i am proud of my colleagues. and i am proud to be on their team.

i haven't been doing much. just observing, mostly. and learning. for the next few months, i'll be a sponge. so call me spongebabe.

and i'm taking it slow. it isn't easy, cos i tend to let something new and novel get the better of me. and i'll suffer from a burn out fairly easily then.

so, the plan is to go slow, and take one day at a time.

no matter how worried i am. and god knows the depth of my anxiety. this uncertainty. this displacement. i am nobody's child.