February 28, 2008

almost monday..

..and i'm getting nervous.

i wish to learn. and i hope i will be good. or at least not suck too badly.

i met bro jay yesterday. a very nice guy. a good reminder he gave, about dakwah and prioritising. and he saw how i worked, and suggested in a very brotherly fashion, on how i could be better.

but on the whole, i'm having enjoyable days.

pray that they last.

February 18, 2008

manyak susah leyy..

this relationship thing is damn hard ya. just when you think things are going fine and dandy, the bull shits again.

it is tough looking after the bull, making sure it's clean and healthy.


it is especially tough with the knowledge of what this bull will grow into. and people can wonder why i'm wishing i was still a small girl.

i have a lot to learn still in managing expectations, accepting flaws and working around limitations.

oh well. we live, we learn, right?


*skips away*

February 15, 2008

daddy dearest

it's at times like this that i realise my daddy's the best.

we seldom see eye to eye. and i am seldom the perfect daughter.

he isn't perfect either.

but bapak is kind. and he cares. and he loves.

he taught me to pray. he sent me to quran class. he held my bicycle steady when i learnt to ride the two-wheeler. he watched me go up the stage and get my prize when i scored first in class. he talked about me non-stop(to my annoyance)when i won scholarships. and more when i started working. he took me to the hospital when i was in pain, and was always around during the follow-up check ups.

he is always around for us. he can work long shift, and still be ready to accompany us somewhere once he reach home.

he holds mader's hand when they go out together. he loves her, and all of us and does not feel ashamed to let others know.

i am blessed. he is a wonderful, wonderful father. i have always wished to have someone like him when i get married.

i wish it is easy to tell him that i love him. i hope he knows.

bapak, i love you.

February 11, 2008


i was watching grey's anatomy, and this song was playing in the background of a scene. here's part of the lyrics that got me to think.

scratch, by kendall payne.

"it's a big girl world now, full of big girl things
and everyday i wish i was small.

..do you get weary? do you ever get weak?
how do you dream when you can't fall asleep?

..i used to think i was special, and only i have proved me wrong
i thought i could change the world with a song,
but i have ended up in india,
with no map to guide me home."

just a feeling that i'm having at the moment.

February 8, 2008

neural matter

had a scare earlier.

mader's fingertips went all purple, and she was complaining of pain. actually, she was complaining about her difficulty to decide whether she was in pain, or the palm just got itchy. but the discolouration was real though. as was the fact that she couldn't use her left hand for a task as simple as squeezing a tube of toothpaste.

the complaint wasn't new. she suffered from the same thing before. had even visited two different doctors who couldn't figure out what was wrong with her.

i thought she could be suffering from blood poisoning. the pain started the day she cut her finger with a knife, and instead of cleaning the wound, she put medicated oil on it. when the bleeding stopped, the pain didn't. since then, she'd been feeling weird sensation on her left hand.

clinics were closed, it being the public holiday. took mader to the hospital instead. cgh. for once, mader was given a possible reason about the disproportionate pain from a knife cut; the injury could be neural. and she was scheduled to meet a neurologist.

poor mader. but i could see she was at least relieved to hear the possible explanation. she had been frustrated all this while, knowing that she was in pain, but no doctor could seem to explain why. it got so bad that she contemplated cutting her finger again to let the 'bad blood' out. this was before we knew it was not blood poisoning, of course.

and did i mention that the doctor who we met was a malay muslim? =D i am always proud to see a malay muslim doctor in hospitals.

and the neurologist..now i'm fantasising mcdreamy *naughty grins*

February 6, 2008

frustrations abound

it is said that we human beings are never satisfied. we crave and want and desire, only to have the same feelings for other things when we finally fulfil our previous cravings and desires.

insatiable lot, we are. mighty ungrateful too, at times.

and i'm guilty of that at this moment.

am picturing fad's maria in my head, wishing to high heaven that i could look just like her. smoking hot. can't fault faddy's taste this time around.

fitting sessions are just not good for my ego i guess. i think i have 2 more rounds to go through =(

what i really want at this moment is to do what klark cent thinks he's doing: save the world. or at least, save this small portion of the world i am residing in. make it a bit more livable. wouldn't that be grand?

this not-knowing is really getting to me. and i'm suffering from delusions of grandeur.

*bangs head on the wall*