merry merry eid

ok ok..it's like almost half a month after eid, although being a malay singaporean, i am still celebrating it as long as the month of syawal has not gone by.

it's been hectic, busy, and tiring. but it has been a merry experience celebrating it with goosey and my new family members.

am very proud of myself for making my aspella look so pretty!

thinking of hosting a gathering for the gang. will update.

25 on the 25th

today's my birthday =)

goosey's planning somthing for me after work, and is very secretive about it. am meeting him at bukit gombak mrt station, and we'll be driving straight to the super secret birthday celebration location =D

the day has been good so far. brader recited some prayers for me, as well as for ri and aab for their return to work. and of course, the inspirasi tradition of making birthday babies earn their presents =D i was made to answer a 'know-your-colleagues' quiz. got 4 out of 5 questions correct. not bad for a newbie to the hub.

and i got a bag from them! i lurrrrve my birthday gift! =D i think i'll be taking it along with me tomorrow for the f1 race.

*sighs happily*

to think that i thought today's gonna be bad. alhamdulillah, it wasn't =)

packing my stuff now. work can wait til tomorrow.

pre-raya ramblings

my aspella is in a mess. goosey and i haven't got down to cleaning it yet. as it is, i have not finished baking kuihs yet.

we thought we will start with the cleaning this weekend. kind of a tall order, considering that we will be too tired from watching the f1 race on friday.

on another note, i made lasagne. am so blardy proud of myself =D i cooked for myself and goosey, and he liked it =D

have to get back to work now. i really am not an event manager. *sigh*

3 am and typing

i am still up, burning the midnight oil, finishing a proposal. my bad, really. i am a chronic procastinator.

so here i am, lying in bed awake and typing away at this hour, while goosey sleeps peacefully beside me. had to tuck him in, cos he was adamant about waiting up until i finish my work.

i shall need coffee later to help me keep awake in the office. i really hope i do not have pmc later. it will be a difficult 3 hours, trying to stay alert while the brain is trying to shut down.

ramadhan's going beautifully for me so far. and i've curtains for all my windows now =D shall put up the pics on my multiply site soon.

and now, it's back to work..

ramadan reminisce

been slacking in the office since an hour ago, right after i got back from fsc. i lost steam. paper works can wait til tomorrow.

and i've been blog hopping to while away time. been reading up on what have been going on in the lives of the girls from hogwarts. makes me miss all those days back in school all the more.

ramadan has always been good in hogwarts. there would be food everywhere near maghrib, with throngs of students splurging on more food that they could actually consume for break fast. and the echoes of live azan has always been a winner, signalling the end of fasting for the day and calling people to prayer, as the sky slowly darkened leaving the towers to be illuminated by the lights around the campus.

wish i could be there now. i am soooo missing hogwarts.

*sigh*

Ramadan Kareem!

here's wishing you a merry merry Ramadan peeps!

may all our good deeds and abstinence receive the blessings of Allah and rewarded a thousandfold.

and i am so excited about celebrating it with goosey! =D

sup daging pertama

i am learning that marriage is a work in progress, and that it is a non-stop education.

and today, i cooked lunch for the first time ever in my aspella =D sup daging. goosey came home for lunch and was very generous with his compliments. and after he left for office once again, i took my inflated ego to bed for my afternoon nap =D

still feeling uncomfortable. tummy acts up from time to time. but i'll have to go back to work tomorrow.

now's time to cook dinner. we finished the whole pot of sup daging =P

HOPEful

i just finished a HOPE mentoring session. i love HOPE. it makes me feel good everytime i see a HOPE client. i feel like they are trying to live up to the name of the scheme, and trying to make the best out of their marriage, which i find, well, hopeful.

looking at their smiling face, i wouldn't have known that the couple i just saw were having problem, until it all came out during the mentoring session. but i love the fact that they were laughing together, and were very supportive of each other. now i'm all gooey inside and smiling myself, and wishing that things will go well for them.

may tomorrow be as good for me as today.

just another day in the office

watched the dark knight with goosey after work yesterday. used the free movie tickets we got when we shopped at bugis junction last month. it was a 9pm show at kallang leisure park. a very big, quiet place. we played guitar at the arcade while waiting for the movie.

show ended at 11.30pm, got home at midnight. by the time i dragged myself from bed this morning, it was already 7.30am. goosey had to iron his own shirt while i was in the shower.

still feeling very sleepy. been slacking at work, talking to ida and pai about yesterday's national day rally. maternity leave's extended to 4 months! kinda makes me feel excited about having my own baby =D and from there, our conversation goes to talks about vacation and ovulation. tsk tsk.

i am fasting today. my last day, before the next ramadhan. and i'm kinda excited about that too. will be a new experience this time around, celebrating it with goosey. and i have been told that we could all leave work at 5pm since we won't be taking the lunch hour. what bliss!

but for now, it's back to work.

more about adjustments

people have been asking about my new aspella, and why i haven't uploaded the pics after renovation is done.

the truth is, there's no way of taking a pic without showing how my blue room has been turned into a storage area, cluttered with boxes packed with knick knacks from our previous life.

goose and i have decided to take it easy on furnishing the house. we have this shared sentiment about spending within our means, and that credit cards are for emergencies and absolute essentials only. of course, this means the house is only sparsely furnished, but that's fine with us.

we've been getting our furnitures from IMM, picket & rail and barang-barang. my bedroom's the only place that is fully furnished. and before eid, insyaallah we'll have shelving for our household shelter so that the blue room can go back to being a bedroom.

looking back, the only think we splurged on is our 42" full hd lcd tv from harvey norman. goosey's idea, of course. oh well, it could've been the 50" one..but thank God i got there in time to stop him.

i am enjoying my house. goosey's calling me his weekend housewife. am still adjusting to all of this.

time really flies.

and my best buddies are celebrating their babies' first year already. imagine that. my friends, mommies, all of them.

i still have no idea if i am ready to be a mommy so soon.

and the sun was till up there..

a bit more than 100 days into this new life, for the first time ever, i was home before 7pm on a work day!

6.30pm on tuesday, and 6pm..6pm!!..on wednesday and thursday.

those days were so precious to me, coming home on my own and seeing the school children just leaving their schools, and more than an hour before the sun set.

i had time to do the dishes, take in the dry clothes before it got cold, do grocery shopping, put my aspella into order and cook dinner.

now i'm back at work. i've been thinking how unhealthy it is to reach home when it's all dark outside and having so little time to make a home.

and i owe the 3 blissful days to my superiors of course, who sent/ agreed to send me for training that ends at 5pm. very good sessions i had, and i tried to be a very good sponge, learning techniques in couple counselling. at least i am now better prepared for the intensive caseworks that will surely come my way. never mind that the training adds to my anxiety about my own relationship =P

have i mentioned that i cooked dinner? and the last time i checked, pigs still can't fly =D

what i miss most

oooooh...i'm missing lots and lots.

not that i'm not happy with what i have now. guess i'm coping, but it's all weirdly interesting.

61 days after, there has been aspella, phuket, ps2, psp slim & penang.

and a personal chef.

not too bad huh.

there are the down moments too. but haven't there always been down moments in life? i'm coping. or at least, trying to. ain't easy, i tell you.

unmet expectations. oh, what frustrations they bring.

i'll get by, God willing.

but weirdly interesting life aside, i am sooooo missing a lot. i'm missing nights under the sky, with the full moon beaming down smiles, and stars adorning the vast, dark canvas. i'm missing the lights, twinkling as my lone, long walk takes the rhythm that is beating in my ears.

i miss white snakes, and the company i usually have as i sit there dreaming. i walked pass the place earlier today, after i settled some work stuff. and i couldn't help wishing that time could rewind.

and i miss my family =(

*sigh*

adjustment is tough.

it would feel very nice to have a bit of my old life back.

just some dedication

this entry is especially written for the tired and sleepy, yet talented (or so he said) husband who stayed up and tried his very best to be a henna artist, just because his vain wife wants to feel bride-y when she went to work after more than a week long leave.

the new world needs time to get used to. and she's trying in the way she knows how.

where it's warm

it's happening, finally. this has naver been in my plan. i didn't grow up consciously planning the year in which i would settle down, and by what age.

this is still hard for me to believe. it is a giant step, one that i am not even sure i am prepared for.

and it's goosey. a lifetime ago, i would have jumped up and down, saying yes yes yes. i'm more subdued now, going through this with solemn acceptance.

there is the excitement, yes. and the happiness. but there is also the fear. "a cracked window", the good lady said.

and the sadness. oh, the sadness. i am conflicted.

it's not only about starting a new life, it's about leaving the old, safe one. and that, i am not ready for. mader won't always be around for me to run to help put things right. bapak won't always be around to keep me safe.

and my nights would be without totot to hug n cuddle. and no amad to bug. no burger to irritate. and no mamad to be disgusted at (he can be very disgusting with his farts and burps).

i am leaving the nest. my safe haven. for the uncharted waters.

and i am scared.

God give me strength. God keep me safe. God make me brave.

stop looking at me

almost a month into this new world. in the third week, there was this endless dinner session with the ceo. she talked about plans, and visions, and ambitions. all good stuff.

and if i can't say for sure what my long term plans are, it is because i am still not fully settled yet. i am still trying to find my footing, find that rhythm that is totally my own.

i am gonna find my own branding. one day soon.

clueless i may be a lot of time, but the path to the target is much less cluttered and obscured here. how lucky i am to be INSPIRED.

i am still pacing myself. i wouldn't want to suffer from burn out too soon. and that is so hard to do. just when i am succeeding in that, i'd suddenly realise how lacking i am, how others are more advanced, and advantaged, than me due to their training in school. i wasn't schooled in that. sociology was a macro thing. it takes a while to reorientate my brain to go micro.

therefore, there's a lot of catching up to do. lots of reading and intensive clinical supervision. i need to work on the theoretical paradigm.

feeling lacking isn't good for the ego. but at least for this, i have a plan.

for the other thing, i don't =(

i am bothered, but i am scared that once it changes, the change will be uncontrollable.

so stop looking at me =|

into the ocean

i am feeling lost and displaced.

i do try. and i'm still trying.

"i think i'm moving but i go nowhere"?

maybe someday i'll find that place.

next leg

this week has been an interesting journey so far.

my new workplace is so informal..yet formal. people clown around, tease mercilessly and crack irreverent jokes..yet they abide by the structure that has been set. i am not saying that it's bad. it just feels different. this is something i have not been exposed to. professionalism. or maybe it is just me going along with the popular, negative perception towards malay muslim organisations.

i am proud of my colleagues. and i am proud to be on their team.

i haven't been doing much. just observing, mostly. and learning. for the next few months, i'll be a sponge. so call me spongebabe.

and i'm taking it slow. it isn't easy, cos i tend to let something new and novel get the better of me. and i'll suffer from a burn out fairly easily then.

so, the plan is to go slow, and take one day at a time.

no matter how worried i am. and god knows the depth of my anxiety. this uncertainty. this displacement. i am nobody's child.

*sigh*

almost monday..

..and i'm getting nervous.

i wish to learn. and i hope i will be good. or at least not suck too badly.

i met bro jay yesterday. a very nice guy. a good reminder he gave, about dakwah and prioritising. and he saw how i worked, and suggested in a very brotherly fashion, on how i could be better.

but on the whole, i'm having enjoyable days.

pray that they last.

manyak susah leyy..

this relationship thing is damn hard ya. just when you think things are going fine and dandy, the bull shits again.

it is tough looking after the bull, making sure it's clean and healthy.

aiyahhhh.

it is especially tough with the knowledge of what this bull will grow into. and people can wonder why i'm wishing i was still a small girl.

i have a lot to learn still in managing expectations, accepting flaws and working around limitations.

oh well. we live, we learn, right?

hopefully.

*skips away*

daddy dearest

it's at times like this that i realise my daddy's the best.

we seldom see eye to eye. and i am seldom the perfect daughter.

he isn't perfect either.

but bapak is kind. and he cares. and he loves.

he taught me to pray. he sent me to quran class. he held my bicycle steady when i learnt to ride the two-wheeler. he watched me go up the stage and get my prize when i scored first in class. he talked about me non-stop(to my annoyance)when i won scholarships. and more when i started working. he took me to the hospital when i was in pain, and was always around during the follow-up check ups.

he is always around for us. he can work long shift, and still be ready to accompany us somewhere once he reach home.

he holds mader's hand when they go out together. he loves her, and all of us and does not feel ashamed to let others know.

i am blessed. he is a wonderful, wonderful father. i have always wished to have someone like him when i get married.

i wish it is easy to tell him that i love him. i hope he knows.

bapak, i love you.

humbled

i was watching grey's anatomy, and this song was playing in the background of a scene. here's part of the lyrics that got me to think.

scratch, by kendall payne.

"it's a big girl world now, full of big girl things
and everyday i wish i was small.

..do you get weary? do you ever get weak?
how do you dream when you can't fall asleep?

..i used to think i was special, and only i have proved me wrong
i thought i could change the world with a song,
but i have ended up in india,
with no map to guide me home."

just a feeling that i'm having at the moment.

neural matter

had a scare earlier.

mader's fingertips went all purple, and she was complaining of pain. actually, she was complaining about her difficulty to decide whether she was in pain, or the palm just got itchy. but the discolouration was real though. as was the fact that she couldn't use her left hand for a task as simple as squeezing a tube of toothpaste.

the complaint wasn't new. she suffered from the same thing before. had even visited two different doctors who couldn't figure out what was wrong with her.

i thought she could be suffering from blood poisoning. the pain started the day she cut her finger with a knife, and instead of cleaning the wound, she put medicated oil on it. when the bleeding stopped, the pain didn't. since then, she'd been feeling weird sensation on her left hand.

clinics were closed, it being the public holiday. took mader to the hospital instead. cgh. for once, mader was given a possible reason about the disproportionate pain from a knife cut; the injury could be neural. and she was scheduled to meet a neurologist.

poor mader. but i could see she was at least relieved to hear the possible explanation. she had been frustrated all this while, knowing that she was in pain, but no doctor could seem to explain why. it got so bad that she contemplated cutting her finger again to let the 'bad blood' out. this was before we knew it was not blood poisoning, of course.

and did i mention that the doctor who we met was a malay muslim? =D i am always proud to see a malay muslim doctor in hospitals.

and the neurologist..now i'm fantasising mcdreamy *naughty grins*

frustrations abound

it is said that we human beings are never satisfied. we crave and want and desire, only to have the same feelings for other things when we finally fulfil our previous cravings and desires.

insatiable lot, we are. mighty ungrateful too, at times.

and i'm guilty of that at this moment.

am picturing fad's maria in my head, wishing to high heaven that i could look just like her. smoking hot. can't fault faddy's taste this time around.

fitting sessions are just not good for my ego i guess. i think i have 2 more rounds to go through =(

what i really want at this moment is to do what klark cent thinks he's doing: save the world. or at least, save this small portion of the world i am residing in. make it a bit more livable. wouldn't that be grand?

this not-knowing is really getting to me. and i'm suffering from delusions of grandeur.

*bangs head on the wall*

the meeting of the four mosque-keteers

the four mosque-keteers met up last night. there was a need to, ever since three of them were informed about the new happenings by the one who attended to the board. so shocked they were, that the youngest mosque-keteer scorched her ears with all the vulgarities that were flying around.

people were mad and disgruntled with the injustice of it all. the major hypocrisy of it all.

however, life has to move on. and the four mosque-keteers made plans, amidst the smoke and the seafood spread on the table.

the four mosque-keteers want to save the world.

jeng jeng jeng..

what's up with peaches

"u know what
peach can mean nice and bad things u know
ang moh call their darlings peaches
but if u juz put peach, it refers to the woman's vagina
so u better be careful"

and so goes the education of the duchess, courtesy of a nice (i think) guy, who sounded uncharacteristically brotherly *giggles*.

guess i'm adding 'es' to the nick.

thanks man! *giggles some more*

bright and shiny

i do not suffer from monday blues today. i am clearing my leave days brought forward from last year. two weeks of bliss. after this, it'll be another 3 days of work at the House, and then i'll be gone for good =D

again, the idea of that sparks mixed emotions. oh, well.

spent my morning doing docent duty at sultan. i have missed that a lot. i stopped when i was busy with ramadan stuff at work, and the projects did not abate post-ramadan. so there was i, leaving the sultan people wondering whether i was still interested in helping out.

docent duty at sultan is not the same as hosting goodwill visits at the House. at the House, i will usually have to take the role of the sole informer, presenting the visitors the roles of religious institutions here, what mosques aim to achieve, the common practices of, and the misconceptions about, muslims, and doing q&a. on some days, it can be quite a one-way thing.

at sultan, it is more intimate, more personal, to me. visitors- tourists, mostly- will come, and it is not so much of imparting info than it is a sharing session. i do not quite like flooding them with information on pillars of faith and such. those are merely the practices, and i do not want them to think that we muslims are regimental, and islam is all about do's and dont's. i believe that there is more to the religion. i prefer to let them know how we live islam here in this country; how we hold on to our values, and try to stay relevant at the same time.

what i get in return is priceless. the visitors would share their experience, opening for me the windows to their life back home. we would then swap stories, debate on education systems and talk about what's hot in the papers. priceless moments, all of these. and more often than not, i would end up with their name cards and email addresses.

wish i could do this full time. what is in store for me, i wonder.

but i do know what i'm gonna do now. finish my assignments, that is. two more to go.

saturday, and then it was sunday

let me tell you about my recent weekend.

saturday saw me in class from morning. class was good. i feel that i shared a lot, and gained a lot. many of the others were hanging onto my words, but i guess that was normal, seeing that i'm the only one in the class trained in social science.

received a lot of sms's too. one was from the imam, informing me about an activist who was having an emergency operation. the name didn't sound familiar, and since the class was very engaging, i put away the sms, thinking that i'd get back to it and ask who the guy was.

another was from alil, asking me about the subject matter of my uncle's lessons.

back to the first sms. during the lunch break, a colleague called to update me on the activist's status. jamaludin of the sms was actually cik jamal. he collapsed at work. and his prognosis wasn't so good. i was shocked.

after class, there was the farewell dinner, to bid adieu to the 4 of us who left the workplace for a -hopefully- better future ahead. it was fun, the food was good, and the company was superb. but cik jamal was always on our mind.

rushed to gleneagles right after dinner. it was about 9pm when we reached there. he was out of the operation theatre, held in the icu. he was still. his pulse was week. and the machine was breathing for him. his lifeline. his tearful wife, looking very weak, and brave, was with him throughout.

sunday, and cik jamal was gone. the news did not come as a shock, even though i was hopeful before.

he was a good man, with a big laugh, and an even bigger heart. always willing to listen, always willing to land a hand.

it is still fresh in my head, how i used to nag at him, a heavy smoker that he was. he took it good naturedly. what an irony this is, with all the chaos about the four of us leaving the place -two have gone, and me with another colleague still serving the one-month notice - it is cik jamal who left first.

he was 47. survived by a wife and 3 children.

he was a good man. Allahumma fashhad.

Lord, grant him your Forgiveness, your Mercy, your Compassion, your Blessings. Amin.

1429H

them words touched me. thank you every one. i seek your prayers.

may the new year bring us new strength, energy and courage to mould, nurture and inspire.

thank you.

chellenge

it is very very hard to stay positive.

grrrrrrr.

burn midnite bright bright

not gonna sleep tonight. new school term starts tomorrow. assignments are due.

drank kopi. good for staying awake. ain't good for my tummy.

gonna discuss about the future of my studies tomorrow.

2008

we like to think time stops when we stop. that will be an indicator of how important we are. it doesn't stop, of course. and the world moves on.

the show must go on.

i met some of the probable few who may keep the show going. and i get to give my input, say what i think. weird, weird feeling.

anyways, yesterday was a roller coaster. woken up by GiGi, with fauziah the thai babe on the line. she was in town! she was recruited as an emergency tourist guide for a group from bangkok. so met her at the budget terminal, and we ended up hanging around at t2, before sending her off at t1.

met dr b, who reminded me about my assignments. *sigh*

me gonna take leave for that.